How To Maximize Your Misery In 7 Short Steps

We live in a world that would blow our great grandparent’s minds clean off their heads. Not only have we eradicated endemic diseases, child and infant mortality is at an all time low, and global extreme poverty is rapidly falling even as the global population is growing.

So, if these facts (along with the millions of packages delivered each day and billions of tons of food created) lead you to too much fun and happiness in your life, look no further.

Misery Tip #1: Stay Still (& Preferably In The Same Room)

If you are able to keep still, you are surely able to maximize misery. Only getting out of bed to go to the bathroom and to sit at a nearby desk or couch will do wonders for your misery maximization.

It is well known that physical activity releases neurochemicals known as endorphins. These chemicals lower stress and improve mood, two key things that we hope to avoid in order to maximize misery. Whatever you do, try to move as little as possible.

The less you are able to move, the better. Substitute walks for drives, and substitute cooking or going to a restaurant in order to get food delivered. Forbid you actually talk to someone and accidentally increase your social connectedness, also linked to wellbeing. Minimizing any and all forms of exercise is a key way to increase life dissatisfaction, so if you are able: walk rarely and don’t lift anything heavy.

Misery Tip #2: Disturb Your Sleep

Having a stable sleep cycle is a good thing for wellbeing. In order to increase our misery, let us learn how to destroy it.

Sleeping irregularly–sleeping in late some days of the week while getting up early on others–is an effective way to smash circadian rhythm.

The key here is inconsistency. Some people are night owls, able to fall asleep comfortably at 3AM each day with no issues.

Others are morning people. But, the best way to disturb your sleep is to go to bed and wake up at different hours each day. Maybe on the weekend stay up until 5AM, sleep in until 2PM. But, the next day try to go to bed at 9 PM to wake up at 6 AM. Irregular sleep is a surefire way to increase your misery.

Misery Tip #3: Maximize Screen Time

It is fortunate, in this case, that so many people have access to screens.. It has, quite literally, never been so easy to maximize misery. Spend as much time on your screen as possible!

Screens emit blue light. When used at night, this light will help you with #2: Disturb Your Sleep. Two birds, one stone!

Boredom is a motivating force that could drive you into motion: pursuing goals, learning new things, making friends. As a result, use your screens as much as possible to alleviate boredom.

If you fall asleep looking at a screen, and wake up to pick up where you left off, you are on track!

Time away from a screen may work against you, leading to higher life satisfaction. As a result, screens are key.

There are hundreds of thousands of engineers working to make these devices as addicting as possible, so let them pull you in.

Blinds Closed, Screen On. Extremely Effective Way To Maximize Misery!

Misery Tip #4: Use Your Screen To Stoke Negative Emotions

Use your screens continually and seek content that leaves you in a state of fear, anxiety, sadness, or anger. Any content that makes you feel good should be avoided at all costs.

Make sure to look for content that you have no chance of influencing. Anything in a distant country is a huge plus, because odds are there’s nothing you can do except feel bad. This helps maximize misery.

Try not to stay local, learning about opportunities in which you could potentially actually help. Instead, follow up with things that are fully out of your control: The Police In A State You Do Not Live In, The Media, Most Rich People and Large Companies, Politics At The Federal Or State Level (again, state you don’t live in).

If you have been doing this for some time, you know exactly what content works best for maximizing misery. Climate change. School shootings. Etc.

Now, this is not to say these are important issues, but instead of actually doing anything about it, take inconsequential action (change a profile picture, add a hashtag to a bio). Any action that will have nearly no effect is preferred. This way, as things change for the worse, you can add rage to your distress.

In areas where things are somewhat improving (COVID, Global Poverty, AIDS, Education Access, Productivity), quit looking at it and find some new distressing content.

In short: Be well informed but do nothing. Things you care about could help guide you to happiness and wellbeing, so avoid them at all costs. If you like soccer for example, instead of going to a park and playing soccer, watch old games and focus on the negative aspects.

Your Brain Will Be Trying To Correct

At this point, you should be pretty miserable. Unfortunately, your body has built-in psychological defenses. You will begin to feel that things aren’t all right and that something is wrong, and you may suddenly find yourself motivated to try new things and increase your wellbeing.

You may find yourself fantasizing about a better life, or maybe decide to spontaneously try something new. These are dangerous and may actually help you feel better. As a result, we need to make sure to confuse and dissuade this natural process.

Misery Tip #5: Set VAPID Goals

You may have heard of SMART goals:

  • Specific
  • Measurable
  • Assignable
  • Realistic
  • Time-related

Examples include: “I will call my friend Abhishek and invite him to the gym by noon today”, “I will vacuum my bedroom floor between 5 and 9 PM”, and “I will eat one whole vegetable with dinner”.

Goals like these, when met, will increase your wellbeing exponentially. Slowly at first you will begin to feel better, and then rapidly. That is the exact opposite of what we want, so instead we will try to set VAPID goals:

  • Vague. The goal is unclear, and the steps you need to take to achieve the goal are unclear.
  • Amorphous. The goal doesn’t have a finish line or any sense of achievement.
  • Pie in the sky. It’s too ambitious.
  • Irrelevant. The goal isn’t actually linked to what we really value and care about.
  • Delayed. There’s no time frame. It can happen any time. (source)

Examples include: “I will clean the entire house later”, “I will finish all of my homework”, “I will get this dream job”.

These goals are actually impossible as there is always more to do. As a result, you will guarantee failure, which is perfect. Focus on goals that are after your immediate goals: I will cook a delicious dinner before learning how to cook, I will perform this song on piano before learning how to play piano, I will get famous on TikTok without learning how to edit a video.

Using VAPID goals will help trick your brain into thinking that you are failing, further contributing to your misery. Never set a timeframe for your goals, that way you can never actually achieve them. This will keep your brain busy (I will get to it later) and your body still. NEVER set a goal that you can achieve within the hour.

With these VAPID goals, you will turn the productive parts of you into a source of misery. Perfect!

Misery Tip #6: Pursue Happiness Directly

By trying to pursue happiness directly, you will do the opposite. Imagine happiness as a place where everyone is playing your favorite games in a beautiful field where everyone is smiling and laughing forever. This false image is actually impossible, and as a result any moments of happiness that actually happen will be ignored and rejected as not the real thing.

Happiness comes and goes. Imagining happiness as a lifelong state of being that you actively try to find, you can be certain you will never have it as that is an impossible state of being nobody has.

By improving yourself and achieving SMART goals, you may find happiness along your life journey when you least expect it. So, don’t do that. Try to actively seek out an impossible image of happiness instead in order to maximize personal misery.

Misery Tip #7: Follow Your Instincts

As you continue on your journey to achieve misery, let your instincts take over. Eventually, as you get habituated, you will want to stay indoors. You will want to avoid people, and you will want to avoid exercise.

You will have an intuitive understanding of what makes you miserable, and as a result you can automatically keep sharpening your misery. Instead of doing the exact opposite of what you are doing, keep on going deeper into the darkness. Surely, that is the way forward.

Bonus Tips:

Talk to as few people as possible as social interaction leads to wellbeing. Further, eat poorly. A healthy diet is linked to wellbeing, so we want to make sure to not link that.


This article, I hope you realize, is satire. You should not try to minimize your misery, and I hope you use this as a way to maybe try something different today.

There is a book that I have not read yet called How To Be Miserable: 40 Strategies You Already Use. It’s written by a Canadian Psychologist and PhD holder who probably knows some things. I was inspired to amplify the message I saw here. As a result, this article follows similarly, with my own take on the material.

I hope you enjoy this article! I really liked learning all of this content and believe you are able to benefit from the information as well. If you know anyone who might like this, please send it to them! I really appreciate when you do that, and the increased readership inspires me to write more–getting more high-quality articles to you as well.

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